The reason that I only recently came to discover the quirky, straight shooting vibe, that quietly but deliberately holds others at a distance, is three-fold.
Let’s start with perceptions. I have broad, subconscious, positive perceptions of myself that I know are true. I am a caring, empathetic, dependable, genuine, funny, bust-my-ass-to-help-you (if I like you) person. I feel about these subconscious beauties the way I feel about my nose. I don’t really think about them being a part of me. I go about every day with my nose leading the way on my face, greeting the public. If you are interested, you will see that my nose is crooked and has a dimple right on the tip. If not, you will pass and find something else to look at but the point is the nose is right there for the seeing. That being said, I’m wrong to equate the nose and the subconscious ideas I hold about myself. In my mind, these inner traits are emblazoned on my skin right out there for the world to see – the most telling of tattoos and if you are interested you will notice! Try to follow my warped logic; the good is out there, just like my nose, for all to see and nobody is interested. I am illogically wondering why everyone is passing up my “visible” goodness. I close up like a clam.
This leads into the second fold, confidence. Despite the fact that I know in my heart I am a good person, I, on a conscious level, am very critical of myself socially and have always been most comfortable with one truly genuine friend than as part of a group of acquaintances. I live in my own head much of the time analyzing my short comings, my intelligence, my appearance, whatever the fixation of the day is, not focusing one iota on trivial things that are going on around me. I know it doesn’t sound very affable but it’s the “surfacey” stuff I tune out. I’d be there in a jiffy, focused and ready to act if you needed me, but bullshit and insincerity cause me to detach.
Over the last few years I’ve come to know, embrace and rue my FU vibe. Sometimes it works to my advantage; sometimes, I’m sure, not. The positive is that I tend to meet very genuine folks, who are willing to dig a little deeper, endure my resting bitch face, and put up with my idiosyncratic anxieties. They persevere and where there is persistence, there is trust and from that, genuine, lasting friendships occur. People and relationships that take the good with the bad. The down side of FU is that sometimes maybe I miss out on things because the FU vibe makes me unapproachable. I’m a little more work than some. I’m not good at faking it.
Just like my curly hair the FU vibe is part of me. You have good and bad hair days. When I was young I’d fiddle and fixate on the bad hair trying to make it lovely. Now I just acknowledge and roll.
More about Gina: I am a soon to be 50 single mother of three who takes pride in the fact that others describe me as quirky. I am a Special Education Teacher by trade but I long to be an artist and touch people with things of color and beauty. I am a straight shooting, practical, dreamer!
So far life has taught me a lot, most of which occurred when I wasn’t looking. Sometimes, in the early morning hours when I’m driving on a dark road on my way to work I realize I have something, that might just be somewhat worthwhile, to say. Some thought just pops into my head, despite the loud 80’s music or maybe because of it, and I wish I could put it out there. So here I am!!!
I love to make my almost adult child and adult children laugh, I’m letting my hair come in gray, I am an introvert with anxiety, sometimes I hot flash 10+ times a day and I really can’t tell you if I prefer chewy or chocolate candy; depends on my mood.
You can find Gina at her blog Emails to Anonymous