I’m going to see a friend of mine this week who I have lost touch with over the past two years. He is the kind of friend who I can be my total and complete self with. There is nothing we haven’t discussed and he gets it all and never judges. He knows the Renegade Showgirl inside and out. He appreciates my independence, that I’m an introvert and my awkwardness in this world and he likes me anyway. So it is going to be a good meet up and I’m excited about it but, to tell the truth, what is really racing around in my mind is do I need to let him know where I am now? What am I going to tell him? Where am I going to start on this catch up? What words am I going to choose to convey to him how my soul is a bit lost? I am still the same basic Lone Ranger, independent, introvert he knows but over the past few years I’ve become a bit disillusioned with humanity.
I need to be careful with my vernacular because I want to communicate to him that this disillusionment might be coming from inside of me, and not the rest of the world, and I’m not seeking pity or assigning blame. I think he will get that and understand because of who he is. It’s the rest of the tangled mess that I’m at a loss for. Since our last meeting I’ve aged, my kids have aged and life has progressed. I’ve always been a quirky independent. I’ve not always accepted that about myself (we shall leave that for another blog post) but in the past 10 years I’ve bought into it the real me hook, line and sinker. It’s who I am – he knows this about me. What he doesn’t know, as it has really only come to fruition in the last 2 years, is that as the kids have grown and needed me less and I as I spend most of my non-working hours alone I’ve become a bit restless. I’ve even become hard on myself for possibly denying myself interesting life experiences in favour of cleaning house, pyjamas and a good book. Honestly, all things that make me extremely happy and content.
He knows I’m a problem solver so he will completely understand when I tell him I decided to take life by the horns and put myself out there. I needed to scratch that restless itch. He will also empathize with me as he knows this venturing outside of my comfort zone to be something that does not come easy. I will explain that I don’t just mean this putting myself out there in a romantic sense but as a way to make new friends, expand my horizons and brighten my life. And all of this will lead me to share with him the dilemma that I have come to face and how by reconnecting with him, someone who knows me so well and accepts me for what I am, I might have his help in sorting my problematic mood.
So what I’ve come to feel, my self-described dilemma, through putting myself out there is that by trying to widen the circle of experiences and friendships I’ve actually constricted it. In meeting many less than genuine individuals it only makes me want to keep more to myself. I’ve become grumpy and negative at times because I wonder where are the true hearts, the good folks, the people who really care?
And then the questions: is this all coming from a negative menopausal me? Is the world made up of complete self-centered imbeciles? I know the answer and the fact that he will validate it will make me feel ecstatic. I know it’s a little of both. Yes I’ve become jaded and cynical but there are a lot of people out there who are only concerned with putting forth an appearance of perfection and not feeding their souls with whatever food brings robust happiness; those people who make me feel hopeless. But I know well enough too that there are still the genuine individuals who care about what’s gritty and good in life and embrace it.
And so I will tell him that and his laughter and understanding will sooth my soul and hopefully help me to heal my grumpy, impatient, nastiness. He will affirm that there are a lot of people who are not worth my time but I think he will also tell me to embrace the good I have already found and keep searching for new genuine, and caring people who might just bring light into my world without demanding what doesn’t come naturally from others. The easy people with well-intended hearts who don’t look for perfection. He will help me believe in this again because he knows me, the Renegade Showgirl, and he is, in fact, one of the good who knows perfection is simply a concept that can never be reached.
Read more from Gina at Emails to Anonymous
Next Sunday we’ll be back with a selection of posts based around dating, romance and sex in mid-life. This is a big subject as we all have such diverse experience so all contributions are welcome! (DM me on Instagram, use the contact page here or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org)